Houses are pretty damn expensive right now. You practically have to get a mortgage to afford one.
Your mom is such a muggle, she got the dark mark and went to the dermatologist! zing!
You know what they say. Love is bland.
I’m a capricorn, but my girlfriend is an alcoholic.
I dropped acid once. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I didn’t have shoes on and I burned the shit out of my feet.
Some men will do almost anything for a klondike bar. Me? Yeah…yeah. I’ve done some things.
I’ve got the world on string, you’ve got it on your shoulders. I’m skipping stones while you’re burdened by boulders.
A simile is like a metaphor.
Studio apartment? I prefer to think I live in a clubhouse.
Oh man, you guys watching The Borgias? So good. I love that it’s called The Borgias, like they’re some sitcom family.
"Huh? What? Where did all these decapitated french soldiers come from? CESARE!!!"
[Cut to Cesare, hiding a garote behind his back and shrugging]
8 days? Shit, I ain’t got nothing but love 9 days a week.
I don’t get why Garfield hates Mondays. I mean, he doesn’t have a fucking job.
I don’t want kids, but I’m watching District 9 and now I’m open to the idea of adopting a baby prawn.
Working on a rhyme, something like, “a pigeon, it’s like a dove. something something something something something love.”
Not every pony grows up to be a pegasus, not every Frodo grows up to be a Legolas.
Shark Week is for the kind of people that only go to church on Christmas. I’m learning about sharks all year, heathen.
WHOAH…first cup of coffee after a week of being caffeine free. I feel like I’ve just heard music for the first time.
Letting yourself go takes devotion and commitment. My face is so itchy!
Can we pretend that meteors in the night sky are like airplanes? I could really use a trip right now.
Also, can we pretend it’s 2009?
Quoth the raven, “Nope.”
You will NOT break the glass ceiling, you hear me? I don’t care how hot it makes it in here, that thing was expensive.
College ruled? No, no, no. That won’t do. I need community college ruled.
I felt sorry for the man with no shoes until I met the man with no socks.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after.
Slutty miners get coal sores.
All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to sit around playing video games all day.
What do you mean “what do you mean?” it rhymes, it doesn’t need to mean anything.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but they’re all pretty gross.